Within the last week, an unexpected event occurred. And of course it has to deal with a person. A very specific person to me actually. However, I am going to try to be as elusive as possible about whom this person truly is… although I am sure the further you read the more it will become increasingly evident.
This person walked back into my life at the strangest possible moment. After I had completely written them off, built a life, a routine, an existence without them in it. One which I had grown extremely comfortable in. I had picked up the pieces and put them back pretty well- thinking I had “moved on” to a certain extent. Things I would see in my daily life that once reminded me of them no longer did. I had uncovered certain things that once bothered me to view because they made my gut tie into knots. I was finally… “okay.” I had goals and was reaching them. Goals I had since made after their swift departure from my life.
Then there it was, in the form of a brief email message entitled “hindsight.” I thought to myself “what the flying fuck?!” Was I seeing things? And so I clicked the notification. Much to my surprise… I wasn’t going crazy. It was real, and it was nothing I would have ever imagined to receive from this person. A letter of regret and remorse. One of apology and kindness. Sweet nothings that I had long been meaning to hear from this person but had finally shut myself off to (convincing myself that it was a hopeless wish).
Now, what was I to do? Leave it sit there was my first inclination. And so that’s what I did. But after a few hours of reeling in my chronically over-thinking mind, I felt compelled to reply.
At this stage I was still so completely hesitant and cold. In order to heal from the loss of this person I had rationalized so much in my mind. Including the fact that if I were to ever cave and reach out to this person I would not get the kind of response that I wanted, nor needed. But there it went… my fingers on the keyboard. Merely questioning this person’s intentions for spilling such a composition of words. Immediately my mind told me “it’s a trap.” But my heart argued “but what if it isn’t?”
A conversation soon ensued… and it was better than I had imagined. The things that I was hearing my mind couldn’t compute as reality. That’s when I truly felt the meaning of the word “doubt.” Never have I ever, at the hand of another human being, ever in my entire life, been so FUCKING confused. Hand-in-hand with this confusion was the utter essence of doubt that this could ever turn out to be true… and not just true in word, but in action. Because anyone can spew you a line of perfectly compiled words to make you feel a certain way. But someone who can project those same feelings through action, now that is someone you can believe.
Here we are, probably four days later and I am still trying to wrap my head around what is going on. I have long lived by the notion that the saying “people don’t change” is a crock of shit. People DO in fact, change. I am a walking billboard for such a concept. Because, excuse me… but I used to do drugs for breakfast. Now I drink protein shakes, or other healthy shit. I have done a complete 180 with my head, my heart, and my soul. So if I can do it- why wouldn’t it be justified for another human being to be able to do so? Who would I be to not allow this person another opportunity at being a part of my life? A hypocrite? One of the main things I pride myself in never being… and sooooo… I’m stuck.
I’ve built up this idea for what I want in my life the last few months and this person was not one of them. In order to heal I had turned things that I once found endearing into superficial and negative ideals.
I know a lot of this is probably rambling, but I just feel like I need to get it out. And I did tell myself I was going to just… write.
At this stage I am just utterly confused and trying to make sense of the million and one thoughts running through my mind with the re-entry of this person into my life. One thing I know for sure here is… only time will reveal whether or not this person’s intentions are well-meaning or not.
Until next time, darling… I’ll be reeling in my confusion.