Posted in Daily Diary

jUst eFFinG wRIte, fOR FuCKs SAKE…

My task is simple. Start writing. But my problem is… I want it to look perfect, to read well. Here’s the facts though. That’s not always possible, and if you want to do something, you simply have to start. Quit dragging your heels and move your ass… regardless of how it ends up coming out. Writing used to be so therapeutic for me. It has helped me to sort through the millions of thoughts running through my mind at any given moment. A lot has happened in my life within the past few months and writing has not been a priority. I think I’ve decided I need to just do it. My hands have gotten old and actually using a pen on paper ends up being a task. So here I go… I’m pretty sure no one reads this anymore, anyhow.

I am finally starting to reap the rewards of the hard work I’ve exerted. To someone on the outside they may think what I’ve accomplished is simple and easy. However, I can assure anyone out there watching this “new” me develop, this has been anything but easy. I’ve had to make some tough decisions, release things that were once important to me, pick up the broken pieces and keep going.

At this point in my life, I will not allow anything to stop me from getting where I want to go and becoming the person I want to be. There were moments where I doubted myself. Moments where I second guessed moves I was making. Although I may have been unaware of its power in the beginning, my intuition always called to me. It guided me and it saved me. For a majority of my life I allowed my cluttered-ass brain and deep-as-shit emotions to control my behavior. Rookie mistake.

Throughout my life I have been consistently aware of the power of my emotions. I have always been one of those people that feel everything so deeply that it takes over their entire being. Any kind of emotion, good or bad. In the instances where its a positive emotion… there is nothing more wonderful. Yet the same could be said for the opposing emotions. When it’s good it’s reeeeeally good. But when it’s bad… it’s hell. I have always thought of the deep emotional being that I am as an asset. Never would I have referred to it as a flaw. For some reason it has finally clicked with me. If a person strives for success, it will ruin them if they allow emotion to rule their actions. I believe that inserting emotion into behavior can sometimes motivate us on a more spiritual level… yet when it comes down to obtaining the standard definition of the American dream, emotion will be your downfall every time. Which absolutely sucks in my opinion.

Another thing I am thoroughly examining within myself is how I have had a habit of losing sight of some very important goals. I think I am finally starting to grasp why. It’s because the things I want to accomplish are going to take time. I mean, years. Which can sometime be overwhelming. I’ll never forget a story my mother tells about me frequently. It was basketball tryouts in probably the sixth grade. I was a much more shy version back then, and didn’t know how to ask for, let alone fight for what I wanted. So here I was, all the jock-chicks were shooting hoops trying out for the team… and I didn’t get the ball. Why? Because no one handed it to me. Could I maybe go run for it? Could I possibly ask one of the girls to pass it to me? No. I got upset and decided I wanted to go home and not try out. I gave up. Easy as F. Which is ridiculous. That’s obviously an exaggeration of what I am referencing. However, it does prove the same kind of point. If I don’t get immediate gratification, I quit. In this case, I cannot. I am tired of investing my energy in the wrong things. I need to start investing in myself and my future. Here and now, I can say that I notice how I forget about the progress I’ve made because I’m not where I want to be at this exact moment. I can see the things I want… but they’re just out of reach. I am climbing that damn ladder, but it’s taking me a little while. I need to remind myself that any step in the right direction, any amount of hard work and effort I apply into something positive for myself and my future is progress. I am so much further than I was yesterday and this time… I will not give up.

Goodnight!

Author:

A proud momma to Pedro... a gorgeous Cane Corso, American Staffordshire Terrier baby. Raised in the middle of cornfields, barefoot, reading the Bible. Have grown to appreciate all of God’s land and any way I can stay creative on it... including writing!

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