So this morning I had a ton of thoughts running through my mind about this wonderful person I have been lucky enough to have standing by my side through all the ugliness. I was reluctant to even send it because it’s kind of a messy expression of my feelings for him. However, it felt important to me to just pour it out. For some reason I now feel compelled to post it to my blog. I want the world to know how I feel for this person. Even though I know the world doesn’t visit this website, but there are a few people that do.
Anyway… here it is. A random love letter composed of messy thoughts about the man I have completely fallen, in every sense of the word, for.
Please don’t get the wrong idea when I say this, but the truth is… I don’t know what’s going to happen to us. I cannot read stars or converse with fate. But I do know this: I’m all in, here and now, until I’m dead in the dirt. No matter how difficult it gets, or how desperately the world tries to tear us apart… I’ll be yours.
I know that sometimes I am hard to love. Some days I’m all smiles and affection and other days there’s nothing I want more than to remain quiet and lie in bed. Sometimes I hold onto stupid things and it won’t be easy to open up. Please don’t give up on me. I know it’s not easy, but try to remember what we’re working toward… together.
I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you, how good you look when you smile… how much I love your laugh. I’ve memorized your face and the way you look at me. I daydream about you off and on all day. Replaying our conversations, laughing at silly things you’ve said or did. I often catch myself smiling, always to thoughts of you. Even though neither one of us may know what the future holds for us… there’s one thing I know for sure… you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I will be damned if I let anything destroy what we are building.
It’s so easy for me to love you that it frightens me. I’ve never wanted anything so much as I want to hold you every waking minute. And every night while I sleep.
It is you. It is fucking you. I cannot describe it anymore, it is you. You are the only one that I will ever want. I belong with you. I look at you and somehow I can see 50 years from now on the front porch of our house in the middle of nowhere and we’re together. I need you. You are the only thing that matters. You are my home.
Try to forget about your past for just a second and listen…
I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave. I won’t give up. And I will be here every single time you need me. You can doubt it. You can try to push me away because you think I’ll leave anyway but it will never be true. There could be a hundred million reasons to leave and you will always be the reason that I stay.
This may sound funny but, you will always be my first love. Not like the first guy, or the first kiss, but my first true strong feeling. I knew from the first moment I saw you that my heart would eventually belong to you. There was just something in me that has always been drawn to you. Even though life lead us in different directions for some time, all that has happened has happened for a reason. God knew that it wasn’t the right time until now. And now, you will get the best of me and I will never regret loving you, and waiting to love you until this moment.
I’m so completely in love with you. Whole, true love. The kind of love that burns so intense it feels like an explosion of fireworks in your body. The love that leaves you sleepless but exhilarated, speechless but poetic, lost but exactly where you’re meant to be. The feel-so-much-you-get-scared kind of love. The can’t-sleep-can’t-eat kind of love. The love I never truly knew I was searching for… I found in you.
Sometimes when I look at you and you’re looking back at me I can see something. This teeny-tiny hint of something more. Maybe something you’re feeling but can’t say. When our eyes meet, it’s like we’re instantly connected. It’s like our own little secret… a place we go to when everything around us is crazy and we just need some semblance of normal. Goodness, how I get lost in your eyes. You ask me all the time when I stare into your eyes, sometimes shake my head, what I’m thinking and all I can think of in that moment is “I love this man deeper than any love I’ve ever experienced.” The word “love” doesn’t seem to even cover the depths of what I feel for you. There are times I want nothing more than to look you in the eyes, cause it’s when we’re looking at each other in silence that we end up saying the most. I believe that when two people are in love with each other, you can see it in their eyes. The way they look at each other, the way they stare at each other, it’s all there. Their eyes are full of admiration, of attraction, of undying feelings for each other. Their eyes twinkle, their eyes are smiling. Even if they didn’t say a word about it, there’s this invisible thread connecting the two.
I had reached a point in my life where I no longer believed in the idea of soulmates, or love like I’ve found in you. I am now beginning to believe that in a rare moment of your life, if you are just lucky enough, someone who was exactly right for you may enter your life. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.
It takes a certain type of man to be able to understand that a woman who is let down repeatedly, starved of simple things in a relationship… like peace, tenderness, and common respect, and is used to always having to fight to be heard… doesn’t know what a “happy” relationship feels like. So it takes a certain type of man to want her to experience this feeling, to have the patience to walk her through it until she gets used to a new kind of normal. A loving normal. A breathe-easy normal. A stress-free normal… this elusive happy normal.
The best love is unexpected. You don’t just pick someone and cross your fingers it will work out. The two come together by fate and it’s an instant connection, and the chemistry shared is way above your head. You just talk and notice the way their lips curve when they smile or the color of their eyes… and all at once you know you’re either lucky or screwed. But here it is…
I was so undeserving, and yet, you were relentless. I pushed- you pulled. I wept- you embraced. I bled- you repaired. I stopped- you smiled. I was a disaster, the worst of its kind. And yet, you still had the audacity to let me know that I was beautiful. It’s a very powerful thing when someone sees you as the person you wish you were.
When it comes down to it, you’re the only one I want. You’re the only one I can imagine myself with. Your hands are the only hands I want to hold. Your lips are the only lips I ever want to kiss. Your voice is the only sound I want to fall asleep to and your eyes are the only sight I want to wake up to. You’re my first thought when I open my eyes and you’re the last thought running through my mind before I drift off to sleep. You’re absolutely the only person I can see myself happy with. I’ve looked up at the sky and whispered “take anything away from me, take it all if you want to, but please- please, let me keep this one thing.”
Pouring all of this out in all of its randomness seems crazy to me. I have thoughts of not wanting to send this to you, not wanting to send this vulnerable, messy, part of me. The thing is, I trust you with it. I need to remind myself that expressing myself to you has never been a risk. You’ve always embraced it with open arms. All that we have together is absolutely foreign to me. I will never be able to fully show you my appreciation for all that you are and all that you do for me, but I will always try my hardest to express it in some small measure. As silly as it may seem to me, as poorly put-together all of this appears to me… I hope that it will mean something to you.
I love you, Chris. Period. Even though the word “love” will never fully cover all that I feel for you.