I don’t really understand why, but lately I have been having some serious weak moments. I am trying so hard to remember that I cannot always be this strong person I portray. Something that I have continually struggled with is admitting, asking, or verbalizing moments where I am in need of help or support. I am surrounded with some truly amazing people that want to help me through these difficult times- but I have this part of me that feels like I am a burden or that I am unnecessarily adding things to their plate that are not their responsibility.
It’s odd to me that I can spew all these things that I have learned. “It’s okay to ask for help,” “This mess cannot fixed overnight,” “Everyone needs support”… I don’t know- things along those lines. I have learned so much in the last seven months it is absolutely incredible. After believing that I had all the tools to take on this new chapter of my life- thinking “I got this.” I was awakened to so much more knowledge- yet I was just recently told that I am having trouble letting this knowledge transfer from my brain to my heart. And I completely feel that. It will come with time- another cliche that I constantly tell myself.
I just want everything right now. I want it all to come together the way it should have years ago when I was out being a dumbass. I struggle with that. I want all the things that healthy, “normal” people acquire and accomplish. Now. I don’t want this process to be the journey that it must be. I want instant gratification and I want to do it all on my own.
This last week has truly been a test on me in many aspects. Emotional roller coaster at its finest. I find myself swimming in my thoughts all too often lately. Feeling like I am not good enough, I am not doing enough, and that it will never happen for me. I need to remember that every day I accomplish something on my to-do list. I am moving forward even if it’s at a slow and steady pace.
Funny story I just remembered. I went into a facitily for a few months and there was a section of the program that focused on the importance of taking on this whole recovery process slow and steady. To break up the monotony we had a craft that we were supposed to do. We made turtles. The girls there actually were so impressed with my silly little turtle that they had me make another for the display we made on the wall with them. It was a cute little thing. I ended up taking my turtles with me when I left and I think it may be a good thing to hang them up. To remind me that I don’t need to expect everything to happen now, that this truly is a journey and I was put in this position for a reason and there are definitive things that I am supposed to learn and experience during this process.
Wow. Just writing some crazy random thoughts here has helped me purge some of this. I am doing okay. I am doing everything I am expected to do and I don’t need to overwhelm myself. These people were put into my life for a reason and even though I continue to remain open with them, it is okay to ask for support when I need it. I have a hard time accepting that I am worthy of their love and support. But I am- they think so and I need to think so.