Posted in Memoirs

Hemming and Hawing

Each and every day we, as humans left on this Earth, are faced with challenges. Challenges in nearly every facet of our world. We are tested. God tests our strength, our resiliency, our faith, our courage, our trust, our confidence, our loyalty, our ambition, our reliability, our flexibility, our sensitivity, our stability, our discipline, our insecurities, our honesty, our patience, our modesty, our humility, our intelligence…

God evaluates every decision we make, every word we speak, every interaction we initiate, every thought we conceive, every movement we make, absolutely every possible action we execute throughout each and every moment of the day.

Whether or not we choose the appropriate decision… is completely in our hands. I cannot tell you how often I wish it wasn’t. There are too many times throughout the day where I’m hesitant to choose, where I doubt my judgment. I never have any faith in the free will God has given me. I’m completely, infinitely indecisive. This character flaw eventually became visible and obvious. My hesitation was unmistakable and was afflicting my daily life. It was impairing my relationships, damaging my professional performance. As I got older, matured, I was driven to try and understand the reasoning behind it. Why did I not trust my own ability to choose?

This is definitely not my only character flaw I have spent time investigating. I’m sure I am not the only person who believes they should have accomplished more in their life at their certain age. But given the dark period of life I am currently experiencing, I have been compelled to reflect on choices I’ve made, analyze particular behaviors, and evaluate what caused me to act in those distinct manners. I’ve discovered many rationalizations for the personal habits I have.

Since I am focused on my indecisiveness I’d like to explain my theory behind this particular characteristic… my personal explanation for my habitual indecisiveness. It’s hard for me to make daily decisions because I never want to hurt anyone, I wish that the people I love, the company I keep, to be happy… to not experience any hurt or discord. I value each and every relationship I have and I don’t want anything to cause their demise. Especially when it comes to my relationships with my family. I hold their opinions above all. If they view any of my decisions, my choices in a negative way- it kills me inside. So when I’m faced with an crucial, serious decision… my mind goes bezerk. It runs through possible assumptive judgments important people in my life may make, consequences (good and bad) that may come of the choice I make, my mind gets into a tizzy. Sometimes I choose to ignore it and make a quick, irrational decision. Sometimes I avoid the choice completely. Sometimes… I ask someone else to make the decision for me. There are things in my childhood I can definitely blame for this indecisiveness, but I choose not to.

I’m not sure if that makes any sense, but I am definitely working on curving this personality defect… and many others I possess. I work hard, everyday, to be a better person. To please my Lord and saviour with my choices and my daily actions. I hope and pray to one day be the kind of person he wants me to be. I have faith that I will eventually be confident in my decisions, and love the person that I am.

Author:

A proud momma to Pedro... a gorgeous Cane Corso, American Staffordshire Terrier baby. Raised in the middle of cornfields, barefoot, reading the Bible. Have grown to appreciate all of God’s land and any way I can stay creative on it... including writing!

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